The looming Christmas letter

I grew up in a household where we wrote thank you cards. I also wrote a letter that accompanied my high school graduation invitations. I am a writer, and I thought that the recipients of my graduation invites, would want to know what I was up to after graduation. It worked well. So, every year Adam and I have been together, I have written a Christmas letter to send out with our Christmas cards. I grew up with my dad writing our Christmas letter that went out, usually after Christmas. His were always funny and witty and clever. They were a lot to live up to.

This year, I have ordered our Christmas cards. I have them ready to be addressed and mailed. But I'm faced with this looming task of a Christmas letter. I just can't write it. I've started it three different times. I've tried three different formats. I've tried a clever poem. I've tried writing it from our dog. I've tried a traditional letter updating our friends and family on the past year. But I just. can't. write. it.

How do I write a Christmas letter without talking about the two life changing, perspective altering, heart breaking events that occured in 2010? And conversely? How do I write a Christmas letter and talk about two miscarriages that nearly ripped our hearts in two? How do I put into words the despair we felt this year? And yet, how do I pretend like it hasn't happened and write a letter about all the blessings we have felt this year? It's like a looming topic that I don't want to talk about anymore, but one that I feel like absolutely defines our year.

I'm going to keep trying to write the letter, but if you get a card without a letter, don't take it personally. It's not meant to offend. It's just that I can't find the words or the politically correct way to write a Christmas letter after an incredibly difficult year.

One thing I do know is that 2011 will be much better than 2010. I know that for sure.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Sometimes people ask me why I live where I live... Why I want to live in one of the most expensive places in the country...

This is why.

Baby steps

Some days are harder than others. These are the only words I have today.

A dark cloud looms overhead

Fogging my judgement

A shadow over my thoughts

Consuming dreams

One foot in front of the other

Baby stepping around this touchy subject

Tiptoeing around the shards of broken glass

Broken hearted

Still smiling

Fraudulent words disguising sharp aches

Dissolving into stinging tears

Kind words

Eat at the pain

Struggling to stop the decay

With no evolution

One day at a time

Minutes transform hours

Hours convert days

Days become months

Clarity will come

Anguish will be bliss

Just hold on

Someday

And a quote for you to ponder:

"There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms."

--Charlotte Bronte

Proceeded to giggle wildly

Adam wasn't feeling well last night, so I let him bring the dog up on the bed with us. He can be a baby when he was sick, but last night he was in real pain, so I genuinely felt bad for him. And our dog is super cute. He finally fell asleep, so I was relieved we weren't facing a trip to the emergency room (there is a legitimate concern for this). Things were quiet so I decided to read my book for a bit. Out of nowhere, the dog AND my husband started snoring soooo loud. They were both so annoying that I looked over and was just about to wake Adam up, when I saw this:

Seriously?! The bad little black dog was snuggled up next to my adorable husband with her tongue just peeking out of her mouth and they were both rumbling the bed with their snoring. I couldn't bring myself to wake them. So instead, I got my phone, took a few pictures and proceeded to giggle wildly. Needless to say, Adam woke up from my ridiculous laughter and was less than thrilled.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

From our honeymoon in July 2009, Puerto Vallarta Mexico. This is where I'd like to be on this snowy December day. Yes please.

Ridiculous montage of atrocious and repulsive Christmas sweaters

So on Friday we had an Ugly Sweater Party at our house. It was meant to be just a reason to get friends together. It turned out to be the most ridiculous montage of atrocious and repulsive Christmas sweaters that I think I've ever seen.

My friend, Erin, who actually surprised me from Boulder, brought a bunch of ugly sweaters with her for our crew. She got up early on Black Friday morning and went to the thrift store. She was just trying to get here at a reasonable hour, but it turned out that little old ladies had plans for weeks to do their black Friday shopping at Savers. She literally had to elbow and push her way through the fragile, fiesty old ladies to the Christmas racks. Who knew that people would actually want these sweaters?!

Take note: My sweater had jingle bells on it, that actually jingled. Awesome.

I feel surrendered and peaceful

I decided it was time for change in my blog world. I changed the layout, and the name, and the overall look. Hope you all like it! I love it, and I think because I love it, I'll write more. I need an outlet for all the things that go on in my head. I really miss writing.

In the last year, my life has changed more than I could have ever imagined. But I have faith that God has a plan in it all. I left the construction company where I was working for my dad. I started working as a teller at a local bank. We celebrated our first wedding anniversary. We got a new puppy. We went through two roommates, with one we currently love. We celebrated two pregnancies, and mourned two miscarriages. Through it all, my faith has struggled and changed and grown. Our marriage has struggled and changed and grown. Today we know a deeper love than we did a year ago, and for that I am grateful.

As I reflect on the year we have behind us, and look ahead to the new year that is quickly approaching, I feel surprisingly positive. We are facing a year of trying to get pregnant in December. And yet, I feel surrendered and peaceful. The more time that passes, the more I understand that it's not in my hands. I know it will happen if it's meant to. God has a plan. That's all I keep repeating to myself.

Thus the new blog name, "Leaning Not On My Own Understanding". I don't understand all of the things that have happened to us this year, but I do have faith that there is a bigger plan. Someday we will look back and it will be clear.

Thanksgiving with my family was awesome. It's always great to get everyone together, with family and family friends for fried turkey and pie. I am thankful for so many things in my life even with the hardships. I'm thankful for my husband and my puppy and my parents and my family, including my in laws. I think it's a miracle and a blessing that I have in laws who I love. We put up our Christmas tree today and it makes me smile just to look at it. I just really love Christmas and the holiday season.

So, this post has been all over the place, but I'm back in the game. I hope to blog more often and entertain a few readers. Hope you all like the new blog!