It's PROMPTuesday again brought to you by Deb over at San Diego Momma.
The prompt this week:
What one thing can’t you give up?
I've tried to give up so many times in the last 14 months. I've tried hard. I've given it my all to give up hope. In anguish, I've yelled and screamed and pounded my fists. I've gotten angry and frustrated with God and with the desperation I've felt. I've wanted to throw myself down on the ground and sob, like I used to do in the grocery store when I was 5 and my mom wouldn't buy me the cereal I wanted. I have felt so low and so depressed. These last 14 months have tested me more than I ever thought possible.
And somehow? I keep having hope. It just sticks around like an annoying fruit fly. Some days it's what keeps me going. Some times it makes me want to throw up. It's like that annoying friend in school who won't go away but you sort of get some joy out of her. Somehow God keeps stuffing hope down my throat. Sometimes I even look for it, in bible verses, or in my recovery books. But I find hope more out of the people around me. The women who have been through what I'm going through. I find it in my parents who have stood by me and my husband through all of our heartbreak. Somehow it seeps into my life even when I try to close up all the cracks.
God is good that way. He baffles me with his power sometimes, but most of the time I'm just grateful for it. Because somehow? He makes it possible to have hope in the face of heartbreak.
If I could give you this the way I gave you Cookie Crisp cereal when your mom wouldn't buy it for you, I would. But then I would be in the way of whatever the gift of this is. And there is a gift. A hard-fought, hard-won, fuck all painful gift. We just don't know what yet.
ReplyDeleteI think you should consider saying out loud, here, what it is you hope for. Say the words. Because you are not alone.
ILY.