Dear Facebook, You suck.

Dear Facebook,

You Suck.

Love,

Jessica Can'twaittobe(insertnewlastnamehere)



Today I went on to Facebook to change my name so my middle name said "cantwaittobe(insertnewlastnamehere)". Facebook, in a big red box, informed me that I was now blocked from changing my name for two weeks because one request had already been rejected.

Um, Facebook, my wedding is in TEN DAYS! That is four days shorter than two weeks. So, um, how in the holy hell am I supposed to change my current last name to my new last name when I get married??? Because everyone knows, that is one of the things you must do immediately after saying I Do!

I suppose, thanks to Facebook's lock out, I will have to not only wait two weeks, but also wait another week, until I get back from our honeymoon.

Thanks a lot Facebook. You suck.

my insecurities are screaming right now

My heart hurts today.

I'm feeling down and upset.

Adam and I got in a fight last night, the first one in a while. Raising a puppy has turned out to be my job only, and I'm terrified of having kids now. This is very strange for me, as kids are my world. I want kids so badly and I have never before been afraid of having them. But last night made me realize that maybe he isn't ready.

Just to admit this to myself is huge, and to admit it written down, is even bigger.

All I want to do is cry today.

I feel like all my planning and hard work will be turned upside down as soon as we get married. I know it's very pessimistic. I'm sure that in 24 hours this will just seem like some silly tiff. But I can't help but wonder if all those divorces and break ups are for real reasons... I can't help but wonder if the same thing will be my future. I have always sworn that divorce and the bullshit that comes with it is a cop out... but for the first time in my life I'm afraid it will happen to me.

I love him. I'm in love with him. And I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm terrified that one day he will wake up and realize that he made a huge mistake.

I know, just by talking about this, everyone will say "well maybe you aren't right for each other" or "well maybe you shouldn't get married" ... but that's not the case. I want to marry him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And yet, my insecurities are screaming right now. All I can think about is that maybe he isn't sure. I know, this is a personal issue, and that I have to be secure in order to fully love and be loved. But does this really ever happen? As a human, is it possible to be sure?

I guess it all comes down to faith. Faith in God. Faith in myself. Faith in him and his words. Faith in his actions. Faith in what my parents showed me in their marriage. Anything can be worked through.

Please, don't post advice. I don't need it. I have plenty of common sense in my head. I was raised by an amazing community of parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I know what's right. I just needed to vent.

I wanted to lay on the ground and spin around in circles on my back

So, I suck at blogging. Apparently with school, work, planning a wedding, and buying a house, I don't have time for it. But, I'm making time, because right now there is some crazy stuff going on.

I went and tried on wedding dresses on Saturday with my mom. Talk about making the whole thing reality. It's like I didn't really believe that I was getting married, but when I put on that dress and veil, it was like BAM! You're getting married! 

HOLY SHIT.

Yeah... this was the end of the hour I spent at David's Bridal... and when that saleslady put the veil on my head... the meltdown began. I panicked. I wanted to lay on the ground and spin around in circles on my back, throwing a tantrum. 

I am not completely sure why I got so overwhelmed, but instead of being excited, I became wrought with fear. Fear of not looking like the brides on the David's Bridal Website... Fear of the size that the lady told me the dresses were. Fear because, God Forbid, I might have to be a grown up. And grown ups wear veils and high heels, and they walk down that aisle. 

Don't get me wrong, I want to get married. I am abso-fricken-lutely positive that Adam is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want babies and I want to grow old with him. But, holy hell, is it scary when it all becomes reality, and it's not just talk anymore. This thing is for real. I'm getting M-A-R-R-I-E-D. 

So, now that you all know what has been consuming my mind for the past two days, you can get on with your life. 

Oh and P.S. I'm going back to my natural red hair for my wedding. Just thought you would want to know Aunt Katydidnot.

we were willing to live on peanut butter and jelly's and ramen for the next umpteen years

Oh. My. God.

Literally. I am now fully convinced there is a higher power up there in those clouds somewhere. Whether God is man or woman, the jury is still out.

So remember when I was scouring classifieds for Aunt Mildred's apartment? Well, the next best thing fell into our laps.

Three weeks ago, we put in our application for employee housing in Aspen. We hounded down all of our personal information and turned it in to the housing nazis office. There was a two bedroom townhouse for sale for next to nothing free $192,000. I know, in the real world, this might seem ridiculous for a two bedroom, but in this bubble valley, it's a STEAL. It was part of a lottery. Yes, a real lottery, where they put all the applications into a hat and pull ONE out. And that person has the opportunity to buy the place. (Only in Aspen).

We proceeded to completely forget the entire idea of this place, even though we had fallen head over heels in love with it when we went to the open house. Then, we continued scouring the classifieds and diligently coming up with alternative plans. We found an awesome house approximately 52 miles from work and justified the commute and the very large would-be mortgage payment with the idea of living in a HOUSE. Not a studio bunkhouse bughouse. Crazy right? But we were willing to live on peanut butter and jelly's and ramen for the next umpteen years in order to be a slave to our mortgage live in a beautiful house. My parents told us we were crazy, along with every other person in the universe. Everyone had something to say about how stupid it was to buy a house so far away and for so much money. (I guess we might have been).

So, as I was looking for the steal of the day from Aunt Mildred, I started praying. I knew the lottery was on Monday at noon, and I was only thinking about the other house 52 miles away. There were 44 entries in the lottery, so really, we had pushed it out of our minds. So I prayed and prayed for God's will. I tried to just let go of the obsession about the giant mortgage beautiful house.

And then! At 12:15 pm on Monday! I got a phone call! From the housing office!

WE WERE NUMBER ONE! US! LITTLE OL' US! WE WON! WE WON!

So, we have now signed a contract on the perfect house at the perfect price for us to start our perfect life!

And we went out and bought $100 worth of real lottery tickets compliments of my grandpa's faith in my luck (or God if you believe it).

And God, if you read my blog, thank you! Thank you! Your will, is my will.

that fabulous deal from someone's Aunt Mildred who needs someone to occupy her four bedroom luxury apartment for free

Apparently this whole getting married and being a grown up thing is not as fun as everyone makes it out to be. 

I'm not stoked about it.

You see, we live in a small little valley near Aspen where a studio apartment rents for (at the very least) $1000. A three bedroom house rents for nearly $4000. Ridiculous right? That's what I thought too...

So here we are, my fiance and I, trying to figure out what we are going to do when the snow starts falling and we have to move out of the bunkhouse bughouse. We won't have to, of course, but living in a 100 square foot cabin surrounded by walls of snow that are taller than the roof, does not sound particularly appealing to either of us. 

I have scoured the classifieds... searching for that fabulous deal from someone's Aunt Mildred who needs someone to occupy her four bedroom luxury apartment for free because, she is off to a nursing home and just doesn't see the point of making any money off the place. I haven't found it yet. 

So, here we sit, pondering whether it is worth it to try to buy a townhouse, (that will be a stretch for the first six months), or just rough it for another year in some studio apartment where we can reach every light switch while sitting on our bed while basically throwing away our money to the rent god. The rent god being equivalent to just whipping out a thousand dollars in cash, putting it down the drain, and turning on the garbage disposal. Which would you choose? 

Of course, everyone I know has their own take on things and knows exactly what decisions we shouldn't make by ourselves. They claim to know that this market is a buyer's market! Or they claim to know that there is no possible way we will ever be able to afford that place in the next century. Or they think that we should just save our pennies and live in the bunkhouse for as long as humanly possible. I think that for the first time in my life, I should think for myself. And I just can't do it. 

When does the time come when you can finally make a decision without asking your parents what they think and how they did it? When does it finally happen when I can just go out into the real world and do something for me without anyone else's opinion popping into my head? When?!