Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Moved to Tears

Last night we went to see the movie "Soul Surfer". It's the story about Bethany Hamilton before, during, and after she got her arm chomped off by a shark. I had heard a lot of good things about the movie and when I saw the preview, I knew I had to see it.

Let me just say that she is one remarkable young woman. There was so much about spirituality and faith in the movie. It was obvious that she is a miracle and that only her and her family's faith in God brought her through the awful event. The movie moved me to tears multiple times. Carrie Underwood, Helen Hunt, and Dennis Quaid did a fabulous job playing her family and friend. They were real and moving and had a depth you don't always see in movies.

Carrie Underwood plays Bethany's youth group leader and at one point in the movie she quotes Jeremiah 29:11. It's funny because I quoted it in my blog a few weeks ago, and it's the verse that has been moving me to have hope when I feel hopeless. The whole movie made me realize the incredible life I have. If Bethany can face adversity like that with a faith that strong, anyone can. No, I don't have my two angel babies here with me, but I have my life, my family, and my friends. I have both of my arms, both of my legs, and all five of my senses. God is good. I don't have to understand why, to trust Him in all things. Because with Him, all things are possible.

I also want to share a dream I had on Sunday night. It was so moving it woke me up out of a dead sleep at 2am. I was in Australia, on the beach, and somehow I knew there was going to be a tsnuami. All the water went out and I was taken out by the water and I was laying on the sand. I came out of my body and was floating above watching my body. Then, Jesus was standing next to me and he bent over and said "You are forgiven and healed."

I woke up with a jolt but that was it. The whole dream. Jesus spoke to me in my dream. Some may think it's cheesy and just my brain playing tricks with me in my dreams. But since that dream, I have felt a peace I've never known. God has this. Jesus is with me. It will be ok. No. Matter. What.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


This is how I feel right now:


K thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

In God We Trust

Well yesterday marks the passing of my second due date. I got through the day without thinking about it too hard, so as not to burst into tears at work. Today I feel renewed. I can now focus only on the future we have in store for us. We have a lot of great things planned for the summer. We have a new house to decorate. We have a summer filled with cousins visiting the ranch we now live on. Lots of great things!

We also decided we are taking a break from actively trying. I know that we run the risk of losing another baby if I don't take the progesterone, but I'm going to spend a lot of time praying and turning it over to God. No temping or tracking or obsessing. After one month, we'll reassess. I'm going to take it one day at a time, and give ourselves a month to focus on us and our families. God will take care of us. He always does.

This is going to be a month full of melting snow, green grass on the way, time with family, time as a couple, and mostly just peace and growth.

April's Motto: In God We Trust

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Take That PETA

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Month, RESOLVE is hosting a "Bust A Myth About Infertility" campaign. "1 in 8 women and men are diagnosed with infertility." RESOLVE and the infertility community are busting myths and telling truths about the most popular public myths and misconceptions about the disease of infertility and the different ways people build their families." My husband and I have been dealing with this issue for almost 16 months. It's a heartbreaking, faith-shaking, world-upsetting, emotional path to trudge. It is a disease, just like cancer, alcoholism, and Crohns. It's not just a difficult issue that can be overcome with morals and values and relaxation.

RESOLVE is asking bloggers to post a myth about infertility and bust it.

Myth: If you just relax, you will get pregnant.

"The fact is, the vast majority of individuals who have infertility have a medical reason, not a stress-related one. Upwards of 90% of all infertility cases are caused by physical problems."

I wish it were this easy. Do you know how often I hear this from people who know about our fertility problems? It's like people are saying it's our fault we can't get pregnant. They are pretty much saying, "You're just too stressed. You are the reason you can't get pregnant. You guys should just take a nice vacation and I'm sure you'll come back pregnant." YEAH RIGHT. Stress is not scientifically a problem for fertility. There has never been a study which shows that simply relaxing increases pregnancy rates.

Do you know how much blame and shame and guilt this puts on couples who are facing this disease? Really? We face enough of these things created by our own mind. I think about this all the time. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have been more careful in college. Maybe I need to stop drinking coffee. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

The bottom line is that infertility is not a stress issue. It's not based on things we can control most of the time. It is a disease that has the power to destroy a marriage. It can destroy self esteem, serenity, and hope.

Couples and individuals facing infertility don't deserve the disease just like cancer patients don't deserve their disease. No one deserves to be mocked or shamed based on their ability to have children. They also shouldn't be judged for trying to achieve pregnancy through medical intervention. We wouldn't judge a cancer patient for trying to be cured through medical intervention, would we?

Take that PETA.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A good long lesson in patience

You know what makes me sad? I don't remember what it feels like to be excited about being pregnant. I don't remember what it feels like to be pregnant. I never thought I would get this far. I never thought I would be sitting and waiting again eight months after my second miscarriage, and not be pregnant. I just never imagined this is where I would be. I didn't think I could possibly wait so long that I would forget what it felt like. But I do. I forget. And it breaks my heart.

I'm sure it seems like this totally consumes my thoughts. But it's been hard this week. I'm coming up on my second due date for a baby I don't get to meet. April 11, 2011. I'm supposed to be anxiously awaiting that baby's arrival. I didn't think I would hit this due date without being pregnant again. I just didn't.

They say you shouldn't pray for patience because God will surely give you a way to practice it. I guess he thinks I need a good long lesson in patience.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


I suck at blogging. My life is insane. I'm so ready for summer!!! We are all moved into our new house and it's finally starting to feel like home. It's weird to now live in a house that I spent so much time in before it was mine. I'm glad we are there though and I feel so blessed. I think Adam does too. I'm sure my parents are sick of us at this point, we spend a lot of time there. But they probably have to just get used to it. Haha.

I'm struggling with the whole trying to get pregnant thing. It's so hard to want something so bad and do everything in my power to get there, and still no success. I am trying to live in an attitude of gratitude, because I know in my heart we will look back on this and it will make sense. But it's only frustrating right now. I've pretty much surrendered to the process and just try to think about anything else. Someday I will look back on this time in my life and understand.

We are going to take a road trip over Memorial Day weekend to California to see all of my family that is out there now. I'm really really looking forward to it! I can't wait to get out there and spend some time with the people I love and enjoy the sun!! (Is winter over yet here???) Then, in June we are planning a trip to Lake Powell! Lots of vacation plans in my future! Thank God! So there you have it, an update on my uninteresting but crazy life! I will try and write more often.