Thursday, October 30, 2008

my insecurities are screaming right now

My heart hurts today.

I'm feeling down and upset.

Adam and I got in a fight last night, the first one in a while. Raising a puppy has turned out to be my job only, and I'm terrified of having kids now. This is very strange for me, as kids are my world. I want kids so badly and I have never before been afraid of having them. But last night made me realize that maybe he isn't ready.

Just to admit this to myself is huge, and to admit it written down, is even bigger.

All I want to do is cry today.

I feel like all my planning and hard work will be turned upside down as soon as we get married. I know it's very pessimistic. I'm sure that in 24 hours this will just seem like some silly tiff. But I can't help but wonder if all those divorces and break ups are for real reasons... I can't help but wonder if the same thing will be my future. I have always sworn that divorce and the bullshit that comes with it is a cop out... but for the first time in my life I'm afraid it will happen to me.

I love him. I'm in love with him. And I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm terrified that one day he will wake up and realize that he made a huge mistake.

I know, just by talking about this, everyone will say "well maybe you aren't right for each other" or "well maybe you shouldn't get married" ... but that's not the case. I want to marry him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And yet, my insecurities are screaming right now. All I can think about is that maybe he isn't sure. I know, this is a personal issue, and that I have to be secure in order to fully love and be loved. But does this really ever happen? As a human, is it possible to be sure?

I guess it all comes down to faith. Faith in God. Faith in myself. Faith in him and his words. Faith in his actions. Faith in what my parents showed me in their marriage. Anything can be worked through.

Please, don't post advice. I don't need it. I have plenty of common sense in my head. I was raised by an amazing community of parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I know what's right. I just needed to vent.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Prompt Tuesday from sandiegomomma

It's Tuesday... and I'm ready for Prompt Tuesday. No Tardiness for me. Woo!! (Lucky for me I had already done this exercise... )

From sandiegomomma:

"I think this started as a meme. I’ve read several outstanding versions of it over the last year, and I thought I’d like to offer it as a PROMPTuesday, so…

I am.

This week, tell us who you are, what’s inside, where you’re from. Share your memory fragments, those visions in your head, those figments that make you, you. What bits and pieces formed your whole? Are you whole? Tell us."

I am from snowmobiles, from nutty bars and burnt barbecue chicken.

I am from the steep driveway with bobsledding snow-plowed banks, from the smell of wood burning fireplaces and Mama’s French toast.

I am from the aspen trees, the cold reservoir water taking my breath away in early June. From mountain lions and hand built forts in the trees.

I am from advent calendars and cookie crisp cereal with Aunt Katie, from trips to Co-op with Papa.

I am from the always accepting arms of my daddy and the quiet, but always sincere love in the conversations in the Volvo with my beautiful mommy, queen of the world.

From “Make good decisions” and “No, Mama does not need to take you down the hill”.

I am from a subtle reminder that there is something bigger than me, but never a pressure to conform to what the world said it was.

I'm from war-torn Germany and Poland and the green, rolling hills of Ireland, from fried potatoes and chocolate cream pie.

From the spilled boiling hot dog water, the border crossing family vacations of my mother, and the annual hospital visit to see the fearless, but very breakable “little man”.

I am from the stacks of vintage photo albums and love notes scribbled on the inside covers of Aspen High School yearbooks, from the significance of a trail stomped through the woods, connecting me to my well-being.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Devil Dogs and Football

What a weekend!

For some reason, I find it hard to just blog about my life. There is this pressure to be funny or clever or brilliant like the blogs I read.... Well, I have decided to let go of those pressures and made up expectations and just blog about my life. Today I feel immensely grateful.

My weekend was not far from ordinary, and yet it seemed to fill me with gratitude.

On Friday evening, I went to my little younger brother's last home football game. They lost, but it was incredible to just sit among the other community members and cheer for the longhorns anyway. I have been many other times this year, but this week I was part sad, and part incredibly happy. I went with my parents and my future husband. The seniors all had to go out in the middle of the field before the game started and their parents had to go out too. All of the boys had a rose for their moms. It was such a small gesture, and it meant so much.

It's weird to suddenly realize that you are grown up. But watching my baby brother play his last home football game EVER, made me realize it more than even wedding dress shopping.

I spent Saturday with Adam and his family. He helped his dad move the old wood stove into the basement so that the new pellet stove could be installed. It must be hard for a man to not be able to do the things he always did... Adam's dad had half of his foot amputated this summer, due to diabetes. He can no longer do the things he used to. He has to ask his boys to come over and help. That would be really hard. I realized that I'm so incredibly grateful to be marrying into a family that appreciates the bond of family as much as mine always has.

I spent Sunday watching football with Adam. We look forward to Sundays all week long. Football season is our excuse to sit on the couch all day long together.

Oh, and on top of all that gratitude, we bought our new puppy, Stella, a Halloween costume. This should just make you grateful you don't have a devil puppy.

Monday, October 13, 2008

You see, me and control are best friends

My best friend Erin is going on a trip to Thailand. She is leaving on Thursday and will be gone for SIX weeks! This is totally and absolutely exciting for her!

For me, it would be utterly terrifying. The thought of jumping on a plane headed for some peninsula in Asia with only hotel reservations for a few days FREAKS. ME. OUT. I am one of those people that has to have every single moment planned. Unless of course I'm sitting on a beach somewhere in Mexico. But even then, I have to have a plan for the sitting. How many hours I can be in the sun without reapplying the sunscreen. And then when we will eat lunch. And then how many hours I will be in the pool before I have to reapply the sunscreen again. Blah. Blah. Blah. Sounds enticing doesn't it? Um, No.

You see, me and control are best friends. We hold hands happily skipping down the street.

I can't let go of the urge to control every second of my life, let alone every one else's. Thank God, I have found a program to deal with that.

Anyway... Erin and her boyfriend Jon are off to Thailand on Thursday. They have the gist of their trip planned out, i.e. the places they will go, but not really how they will get there or what they will do when they are there. Erin, I admire your courage. I wish that I could just pick a place and go. I pray that you and Jon will be safe and happy all the way through your journey. I look forward to hearing from you via blogging and emailing. I can't wait to get postcards letting me know how marvelous your expedition has become. I will live vicariously through you, as I'm not sure I would ever have the guts to do what you are about to do. Think of me when you see spiders and beetles the size of my puppy. Try new food, because I'm not sure I would. Enjoy your time with Jon, as you will remember this voyage forever.

I can't wait to see your photos when you return. I am filled with anticipation to hear your stories and I wish you well as you embark on this adventure.

“It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves.”
André Gide

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I feel sweaty and hot and feverish imagining what it must be like to run from place to place

I'm tired.

I'm exhausted for the political candidates. I'm worn out from watching them chip away at each other. My brain is drained from trying to comprehend all of the bullshit words that have been spewed from their mouths. My heart is fatigued for the families of the candidates that have smiled nicely through all of the attacks debates and campaign speeches. I feel sweaty and hot and feverish imagining what it must be like to run from place to place trying to raise millions of dollars. 

I don't feel inspired. I don't feel hopeful or optimistic or encouraged. I can't be giddy or stirred or moved while I watch these men brainwash lecture me.

I feel afraid. I feel confused. My brain feels jumbled and full. I am fearful for this country. I feel anxious for the future of my children. 

I don't want to hear their twisted language. I can't listen to them try to articulate my morals and ethics. I don't want to hear another man tell me what I should feel, think, and believe.