Tuesday, June 28, 2011


So I've been doing some research on acupuncture and fertility/infertility. I've heard from a lot of people that it can do wonders for your hormones and I'm seriously considering giving it a try. We are at 18 months of trying (a few of those months consumed by miscarriage and the aftermath and a few months we didn't try). I think the next thing my doctor is going to suggest is seeing an RE and/or trying Clomid (a drug used to strengthen or make ovulation happen). I am leary of this drug, and the nearest RE is a four hour drive away.

With these things in mind, I'm considering acupuncture. I've been looking at all my options here in the valley. I was surprised to find that there are a lot of options with quite a few acupuncturists specializing in female hormones and infertility. I have heard amazing success stories of women who had gone through multiple failed IVF cycles and then trying acupuncture and getting pregnant.

I know it's sort of hippy-like of me, and totally not a normal thing I would consider, but I really don't want to use drugs. I don't like the idea of forcing my body to do something, even though I may resort to that at some point. I also hear that acupuncture is a great stress relief. Since my last miscarriage last August, my hormones have seemed very out of wack, with bad skin and all. My skin is worse than it was when I was in 8th grade. That'll piss a 25 year old girl off. Acupuncture doesn't sound so bad after all.

What do you think? Have you ever tried it? Do you have any success stories to share?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Royally kicking Crohn's arse.

Well Crohn's has struck again. Adam has been laid up for the last few days with a wonderful complication from Crohn's disease once again. I effing hate this disease. It's tearing him apart and I just want to royally kick it's arse. He spent Thursday night in the hospital in a lot of pain, but went home Friday. He spent the entire weekend on the couch and I'm happy he did.

It just breaks my heart to see him like this. I want back the happy go lucky husband that I married. I want Crohn's disease to let go of him so I can have him back. I want to be able to go somewhere with him and not have him worry about what he's going to eat and what it's going to do to his body. I really want all of this for him, not me. I want him to feel better so badly.

We have a trip to Lake Powell scheduled for this week, and he's just not going to be able to make it. He missed too much work being sick, and will miss more for the upcoming surgery. And he is worried about getting sick out in the middle of nowhere. He has encouraged me to go, and I think I'm going to go without him. It makes me so sad, but I think it's best. My little brother is going, and it's the only time he gets to go this summer. So we are going to go and enjoy it for Adam.

His surgery isn't scheduled yet, but it will be scheduled in the next couple weeks, and hopefully after that, we can have our life back. He can have his appetite back, and gain some weight, and be stress free. Please, if you pray, pray for his health. Pray for healing. Because he really really needs it. And I just love him so so much.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Running bites me in the knee.

Running totally bit me in the ass on Wednesday evening. Well maybe bit me in the knee and arm and hip.

I was out running with my dog at the reservoir near my house. The water is still low at the reservoir so it's a great place to run off of the asphalt. Out in one of the flat areas, there is a bent stake in the ground that is almost perfectly camoflaged, although I've seen it many times. I've even tripped over it a few times. I've always been walking when I've tripped on it before.

This time I was running, and running faster than my normal speed too. I tripped over the stake and fell so hard. I was holding the dog's remote to her collar (we use that instead of a leash) in one hand so I could only catch my fall with the other hand. I fell and rolled on to my left side and skidded across the gravely rocks. I'm so lucky I didn't knock my front teeth out on the rock that was very nearby.

It hurt so bad! I have bruises all over my body and road rash all over my hands. Awesome. Needless to say I still ran back home and cleaned up when I got there. I even still let my dog swim! I'm such a nice mom. :)

I'm off to Lake Powell this weekend. Can't wait to get out of here at 5pm! Have a great weekend everyone!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

And we thought she was adjusting well...

We have a very bad dog. When we first moved up to our new house, Grace had a little bit of trouble adjusting to the new house. And she had a hard time adjusting to being in a giant kennel all day outside rather than being locked up in her crate inside. For some reason we thought this wouldn't be an issue. For the first few days that we left her outside in her giant kennel, she tried chewing the wood under the big wire walls and rubbed her nose raw on the wire. Then she started chewing on the wood door. We figured, like normal people, that she would not be able to do much legitimate damage on the door.

We were wrong. Like very very very wrong. We came home last Friday and were shocked when we saw a perfect Grace sized hole in the kennel door. Now, this would make sense if she had chewed a hole on the edge of the door. But no. Not my dog. She chewed a hole in the MIDDLE of the door, the perfect size for her to get through. I really wish we had a doggy cam in the kennel to see what she does all day.

And to think my mom and I were just talking about how she was really starting to adjust well to living on the ranch.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Running in the boondocks

Oh hey there! I forgot I had a blog or something...

Running is my new favorite thing (well sort of, I hate it when I first start doing it)! I finally forced myself, and/or got pressured into, to sign up for a half marathon! It is one of the hardest half marathons in the state of Colorado. I would go and pick the hardest one as the one I sign up for first. I am up to four miles at a time right now, and since the half marathon is in September, that's a-okay with me.

Somedays I run after work towards town. Other times Adam will drop me off a few miles from home and I run home. This is the benefit of living out in the boonies. We have a 35 mile drive home, and most of it is a rural winding road, so I can just get dropped off four miles out and run home in solitude. It's really great and I am really seeing improvements already! I have some smaller races lined up this summer to keep me training which will be really fun.

Have I mentioned how much I'm loving our new home? We have no TV or internet or cell service at our new house, but it's AWESOME! I never want to live in civilization again! Haha, I'm sure I'll get sick of it at some point, and break down and sign up for TV. Or Adam will force me to. We really do love it though. We never want to go anywhere on the weekends unless it's too my grandparents or my parents house which are both within a quarter of a mile.

I went down to my grandparents house on Sunday and sat outside chatting with my grandma for about an hour and then the wind started blowing. We got chilly and went inside. I laid down on the couch, she covered me with a blanket and told me to take a nap. Can't argue with that, can ya?! Needless to say, all is right in my world.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Moved to Tears

Last night we went to see the movie "Soul Surfer". It's the story about Bethany Hamilton before, during, and after she got her arm chomped off by a shark. I had heard a lot of good things about the movie and when I saw the preview, I knew I had to see it.

Let me just say that she is one remarkable young woman. There was so much about spirituality and faith in the movie. It was obvious that she is a miracle and that only her and her family's faith in God brought her through the awful event. The movie moved me to tears multiple times. Carrie Underwood, Helen Hunt, and Dennis Quaid did a fabulous job playing her family and friend. They were real and moving and had a depth you don't always see in movies.

Carrie Underwood plays Bethany's youth group leader and at one point in the movie she quotes Jeremiah 29:11. It's funny because I quoted it in my blog a few weeks ago, and it's the verse that has been moving me to have hope when I feel hopeless. The whole movie made me realize the incredible life I have. If Bethany can face adversity like that with a faith that strong, anyone can. No, I don't have my two angel babies here with me, but I have my life, my family, and my friends. I have both of my arms, both of my legs, and all five of my senses. God is good. I don't have to understand why, to trust Him in all things. Because with Him, all things are possible.

I also want to share a dream I had on Sunday night. It was so moving it woke me up out of a dead sleep at 2am. I was in Australia, on the beach, and somehow I knew there was going to be a tsnuami. All the water went out and I was taken out by the water and I was laying on the sand. I came out of my body and was floating above watching my body. Then, Jesus was standing next to me and he bent over and said "You are forgiven and healed."

I woke up with a jolt but that was it. The whole dream. Jesus spoke to me in my dream. Some may think it's cheesy and just my brain playing tricks with me in my dreams. But since that dream, I have felt a peace I've never known. God has this. Jesus is with me. It will be ok. No. Matter. What.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


This is how I feel right now:


K thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

In God We Trust

Well yesterday marks the passing of my second due date. I got through the day without thinking about it too hard, so as not to burst into tears at work. Today I feel renewed. I can now focus only on the future we have in store for us. We have a lot of great things planned for the summer. We have a new house to decorate. We have a summer filled with cousins visiting the ranch we now live on. Lots of great things!

We also decided we are taking a break from actively trying. I know that we run the risk of losing another baby if I don't take the progesterone, but I'm going to spend a lot of time praying and turning it over to God. No temping or tracking or obsessing. After one month, we'll reassess. I'm going to take it one day at a time, and give ourselves a month to focus on us and our families. God will take care of us. He always does.

This is going to be a month full of melting snow, green grass on the way, time with family, time as a couple, and mostly just peace and growth.

April's Motto: In God We Trust

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Take That PETA

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Month, RESOLVE is hosting a "Bust A Myth About Infertility" campaign. "1 in 8 women and men are diagnosed with infertility." RESOLVE and the infertility community are busting myths and telling truths about the most popular public myths and misconceptions about the disease of infertility and the different ways people build their families." My husband and I have been dealing with this issue for almost 16 months. It's a heartbreaking, faith-shaking, world-upsetting, emotional path to trudge. It is a disease, just like cancer, alcoholism, and Crohns. It's not just a difficult issue that can be overcome with morals and values and relaxation.

RESOLVE is asking bloggers to post a myth about infertility and bust it.

Myth: If you just relax, you will get pregnant.

"The fact is, the vast majority of individuals who have infertility have a medical reason, not a stress-related one. Upwards of 90% of all infertility cases are caused by physical problems."

I wish it were this easy. Do you know how often I hear this from people who know about our fertility problems? It's like people are saying it's our fault we can't get pregnant. They are pretty much saying, "You're just too stressed. You are the reason you can't get pregnant. You guys should just take a nice vacation and I'm sure you'll come back pregnant." YEAH RIGHT. Stress is not scientifically a problem for fertility. There has never been a study which shows that simply relaxing increases pregnancy rates.

Do you know how much blame and shame and guilt this puts on couples who are facing this disease? Really? We face enough of these things created by our own mind. I think about this all the time. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have been more careful in college. Maybe I need to stop drinking coffee. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

The bottom line is that infertility is not a stress issue. It's not based on things we can control most of the time. It is a disease that has the power to destroy a marriage. It can destroy self esteem, serenity, and hope.

Couples and individuals facing infertility don't deserve the disease just like cancer patients don't deserve their disease. No one deserves to be mocked or shamed based on their ability to have children. They also shouldn't be judged for trying to achieve pregnancy through medical intervention. We wouldn't judge a cancer patient for trying to be cured through medical intervention, would we?

Take that PETA.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A good long lesson in patience

You know what makes me sad? I don't remember what it feels like to be excited about being pregnant. I don't remember what it feels like to be pregnant. I never thought I would get this far. I never thought I would be sitting and waiting again eight months after my second miscarriage, and not be pregnant. I just never imagined this is where I would be. I didn't think I could possibly wait so long that I would forget what it felt like. But I do. I forget. And it breaks my heart.

I'm sure it seems like this totally consumes my thoughts. But it's been hard this week. I'm coming up on my second due date for a baby I don't get to meet. April 11, 2011. I'm supposed to be anxiously awaiting that baby's arrival. I didn't think I would hit this due date without being pregnant again. I just didn't.

They say you shouldn't pray for patience because God will surely give you a way to practice it. I guess he thinks I need a good long lesson in patience.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


I suck at blogging. My life is insane. I'm so ready for summer!!! We are all moved into our new house and it's finally starting to feel like home. It's weird to now live in a house that I spent so much time in before it was mine. I'm glad we are there though and I feel so blessed. I think Adam does too. I'm sure my parents are sick of us at this point, we spend a lot of time there. But they probably have to just get used to it. Haha.

I'm struggling with the whole trying to get pregnant thing. It's so hard to want something so bad and do everything in my power to get there, and still no success. I am trying to live in an attitude of gratitude, because I know in my heart we will look back on this and it will make sense. But it's only frustrating right now. I've pretty much surrendered to the process and just try to think about anything else. Someday I will look back on this time in my life and understand.

We are going to take a road trip over Memorial Day weekend to California to see all of my family that is out there now. I'm really really looking forward to it! I can't wait to get out there and spend some time with the people I love and enjoy the sun!! (Is winter over yet here???) Then, in June we are planning a trip to Lake Powell! Lots of vacation plans in my future! Thank God! So there you have it, an update on my uninteresting but crazy life! I will try and write more often.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

PROMPTuesday: Hope

It's PROMPTuesday again brought to you by Deb over at San Diego Momma.

The prompt this week:

What one thing can’t you give up?

I've tried to give up so many times in the last 14 months. I've tried hard. I've given it my all to give up hope. In anguish, I've yelled and screamed and pounded my fists. I've gotten angry and frustrated with God and with the desperation I've felt. I've wanted to throw myself down on the ground and sob, like I used to do in the grocery store when I was 5 and my mom wouldn't buy me the cereal I wanted. I have felt so low and so depressed. These last 14 months have tested me more than I ever thought possible.

And somehow? I keep having hope. It just sticks around like an annoying fruit fly. Some days it's what keeps me going. Some times it makes me want to throw up. It's like that annoying friend in school who won't go away but you sort of get some joy out of her. Somehow God keeps stuffing hope down my throat. Sometimes I even look for it, in bible verses, or in my recovery books. But I find hope more out of the people around me. The women who have been through what I'm going through. I find it in my parents who have stood by me and my husband through all of our heartbreak. Somehow it seeps into my life even when I try to close up all the cracks.

God is good that way. He baffles me with his power sometimes, but most of the time I'm just grateful for it. Because somehow? He makes it possible to have hope in the face of heartbreak.

Friday, March 11, 2011

99 Things

I've done everything in bold below.
Now you can copy this on to your own blog & bold the things you’ve done!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby (NO FML)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Our New House

Our library/office... we will make the top of the loft a bed and a reading nook and underneath the loft will be my collections of kids books.

Our kitchen and dining room. I love this island.

Our master bedroom! It's huge and our queen bed is going to look silly in it, but eventually it will be perfect!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Presidents Day Off

This was where I spent my extra day off thanks to bank holidays. I love where I live.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

PrompTuesday: I am

So over at San Diego Momma, Deb does a writing prompt every Tuesday. Back in 2008, she did a prompt that was all about who you were and where you were from. It was called "I am from". I did it then, you can find it here. This year she's doing the same prompt but it's supposed to be about who you are NOW. My life has changed and transformed in the last two years, almost three I suppose, but life is better than I ever could have imagined, even with the heartbreak.

I am.

I am eternally stubborn with a flexible streak.
I am in love, loving, and loved.
I am heartbreak, blessing, gratitude, and humility.
I am a possibility of grace and intimacy.
I am a strong faith in God's plan for me.
I am a mother to two babies I haven't yet met.
I am passionate, compassionate, and impassioned.
I am a singer, an actress, and a forever friend.
I am understanding and judgemental and fierce.
I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, and a niece.
I am melodramatic and strong and wild.
I am who I always wanted to be.
I am my mommy and my daddy.
I am a possibility of good enough and old enough and smart enough.
I am a cowgirl, a punk, a nerd, and a loner.
I am country music and green tractors.
I am snowboards and snowmobiles.
I am everything and nothing.
I am affectionate and poignant and dull.
I am him and her, and them, and you and me.
I am too far and not quite far enough.
I am.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I know, I'm lucky.

This will be mine on Tuesday.

I've waited four long years for this iphone you all speak of to come to my network. I have wondered and speculated along with the best of the techie bloggers. And finally my exclusive invitation was sent to my email inbox and it was finally time! So as we sit and watch the superbowl, I have been religiously checking the Fedex website to see if my shipment has moved from Memphis yet. I know, it's sick, but I'm so effing excited!!

Did I mention my amazing husband let me have his upgrade to get it? I know, I'm lucky.

Friday, January 21, 2011

It's the one that defines my entire being

This is my new house.

It's official! We will soon be the owners of this beautiful four bedroom, two bathroom house on 13 acres of land. My Aunt Kate lived in this house with her three children and it was her sanctuary for a long while. It was where I baked chocolate cream pies and made soap and wrapped Christmas presents for hours on end. This was her home and now it has been passed on to us by the grace and perfect timing of God (and some serious help from my incredible grandparents and parents).

And what's even better than that? It's on my grandparents ranch. This ranch? Well it's the one that I grew up on. It's the one that defines my entire being. My parents built there house on one corner of the property when I was four years old. It's the ranch where my cousin swore there was a mountain lion chasing us through the woods (I believed him and so did the rest of the community). It's the ranch where I learned how to ride horses. It's the ranch with a little general store at the bottom of the driveway. It's the ranch where I spent fourteen summers. It's the ranch where my grandma made me french toast on Saturday mornings and where my grandpa taught me how to rope and saddle a horse.

It's the ranch where I learned that family comes first and that living far away from town keeps you out of trouble. It's the ranch that when you tell people is past Ruedi, they swear up and down it's impossible for any normal human being to live there. It's the ranch where I spent fourteen Christmases in a row, was pulled behind a four wheeler on a sled without a helmet, cried, laughed, whispered, hugged, and kissed. It's the ranch where my husband and I spent 6 months living in a tiny bunkhouse infested with bugs. It's the ranch where we got married, surrounded by an army of family and friends. This is the ranch that is my home and now has our house on it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Zen, or the lack thereof

So over at San Diego Momma, Deb does a writing prompt every Tuesday. This week the subject was: Zen. This was the prompt:
When is the last time you felt completely at peace? That all was right with the world

I started thinking about this and the first thing I thought of was pregnancy. I tried quickly to come up with something else and pretend that that couldn't be the last time I felt completely at peace. Pretending is not my strong suit. Honesty is. I tell it like it is. I know that it seems like it consumes my life, and maybe it does sometimes, but really, that was the last time I felt completely at peace. January 9th 2010. My first pregnancy. The first day I knew for sure that I was really pregnant. It's funny because it was just over a year ago, and I can feel that feeling as if it was yesterday. I can feel the way I felt the exact moment I found out. It was like when the little stick said "yes+", my whole world had meaning. Finally, I had found my calling. There weren't any worries about miscarriage, or finances, or "is this right?". I just knew.

I had no idea of the heartbreak that laid before me. No idea that in a few short weeks my dreams would be shattered. I felt whole. I could feel that little soul in my being. I swore that I could feel that soul become part of me. Sometimes, even now, I get glimpses of that wholeness. I can feel the way I felt. I can go back to that zen place and not be afraid. Do you know what it feels like when you can feel in your toes that you are finally at a place in your life where things are just right? Where nothing else matters except that. one. moment. That was my place. My zen place.

I knew that if I wrote that that was my last zen moment, someone, somewhere, would roll their eyes. Is that all she thinks about? Maybe she should just relax. No one really understands the discontent of being in this in between phase ... between miscarriages and the next pregnancy. Unless of course they have been through it themselves. It's a limbo that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I have experienced the first moments of pregnancy, experienced the yearning to hold my baby in my arms, and experienced the deficiency, the incomplete, the unfinishedness, (not a word, I know). I'm filling the void left behind. Filling it with God. Filling it with love for my husband. Filling it with things to fill my time. But nothing fits. quite. right. And nothing will until I hold my baby in my arms. That will be my next zen moment.

‎"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.'...But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel... of a tiny hand that is never held?"
~ Laura Bush

Saturday, January 15, 2011

My New Sanctuary

This is where I'm going to spend my summer.
Can you guess where it is?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

2010 in Retrospect

Ten Lessons from 2010
(Thanks Sulfa for the idea!)

10. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

9. Waiting for something I desperately want is much harder than I could have ever imagined.

8. Life is a journey. This means that I need to let someone else drive and enjoy being along for the ride. The destination is always better if I let God drive.

7. When your puppy eats straight peanut oil from deep frying the Thanksgiving Day turkey, she will be very very sick.

6. Working with high schoolers is my calling, and some day I will make it my job.

5. Lake Powell is one of my favorite places on earth.

4. Sleeping is still one of my favorite past times.

3. Being married is both awesome and very hard.

2. God takes away and God provides, but both are just part of our journey.

1. My faith, my family, and my husband are my rocks. This doesn't change even in the face of heartbreak and disappointment.