My heart hurts today.
I'm feeling down and upset.
Adam and I got in a fight last night, the first one in a while. Raising a puppy has turned out to be my job only, and I'm terrified of having kids now. This is very strange for me, as kids are my world. I want kids so badly and I have never before been afraid of having them. But last night made me realize that maybe he isn't ready.
Just to admit this to myself is huge, and to admit it written down, is even bigger.
All I want to do is cry today.
I feel like all my planning and hard work will be turned upside down as soon as we get married. I know it's very pessimistic. I'm sure that in 24 hours this will just seem like some silly tiff. But I can't help but wonder if all those divorces and break ups are for real reasons... I can't help but wonder if the same thing will be my future. I have always sworn that divorce and the bullshit that comes with it is a cop out... but for the first time in my life I'm afraid it will happen to me.
I love him. I'm in love with him. And I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm terrified that one day he will wake up and realize that he made a huge mistake.
I know, just by talking about this, everyone will say "well maybe you aren't right for each other" or "well maybe you shouldn't get married" ... but that's not the case. I want to marry him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And yet, my insecurities are screaming right now. All I can think about is that maybe he isn't sure. I know, this is a personal issue, and that I have to be secure in order to fully love and be loved. But does this really ever happen? As a human, is it possible to be sure?
I guess it all comes down to faith. Faith in God. Faith in myself. Faith in him and his words. Faith in his actions. Faith in what my parents showed me in their marriage. Anything can be worked through.
Please, don't post advice. I don't need it. I have plenty of common sense in my head. I was raised by an amazing community of parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I know what's right. I just needed to vent.
No advice. Ack. Stop. Self. From. Typing.
ReplyDeleteNobody is ever sure. And even when I think I'm sure, then something happens and I wonder whatever made me think that I was sure. It is okay to act in spite of uncertainty. It happens all the time. It must, in fact.
Ack.
Sorry you are feeling sad and unsure.
ReplyDeleteI think we all feel that way, from time to time.
(I don't think that's advice; I hope not.)
But you are in my thoughts.
hehe. no advice. puh-leaze.
ReplyDeleteyour mom told me once that's it's okay not to know. it's fine. he loves you. i could see that so clearly when i was home this summer and we messed up the pizza and you got mad at me. he came in the house, looked at all of us and said "she hasn't eaten anything today". and took some bad, ruined pizza to his girl.
that's totally not advice.
Jess, May be he isn't ready but I don't think anyone is ever reallyyyy ready for kids... it's hard. Puppys are hard I remember when I was pregnant we got Kida and she cried like for three nights. I told J that I wanted to take her back and how was I ever going to be a mother when I can't get through a crying puppy? You know This stuff happens and you get through it. You will figure it out and so will adam.
ReplyDeleteI love you Vin
jesse I love you. I would be worried if you weren't a bit unsure...it is a huge life step.
ReplyDeleteLove you and miss our AIM chats...