A Business Letter To My Body

To whom it may concern--

 

It has come to my attention, that you are not as pleased with my performance as you should be. I have heard through the grapevine that you are not fond of my many parts, that you are not excited, per say, about the way things are turning out over time. This letter is meant to clear some things up and advise you on your actions in the future.

 

To begin, though I am not a trash can, you can splurge some days and ingest some of those girl scout cookies you just spent the equivalent of two hours of work on. They were worth the money and they won’t affect your veneer the way you worry they will. In fact, one who looks a little softer around the edges, tends to rub off better on others. Don’t feel guilty. 

 About your toes, most people would die to have toes that can pick things up. It’s much easier than wasting the energy to bend over. Think of the time you will save when you are pregnant! Toes that look like gorilla hands may come in handy when trying to give a lesson in evolution. You always said you wanted to be a teacher. 

 

Those freckles on your knees... they are much better than the alternative... cellulite. Who wants cellulite on your knees? That mole right above your bikini line is considered a beauty mark, treasure it because some day it could get lost in the wrinkles and stretch marks. Try to remember how your lips feel when pressed against someone’s you love even though to you, they may not be plump enough. 

 When you are driving and your hands move just like your mothers, remember how you admired hers when you were young. Oh, and your butt, even though you don’t like it in the buff, nobody’s is quite as cute in that expensive pair of jeans. I told you that hundred bucks was worth it. 

 

Although a few girl scout cookies are ok once a year, try to remember that we just lost a valuable member of our organ brethren. It really is harder to digest all that crap from the yellow arches without one of our vital siblings. You try to absorb lard from a pig’s rump without a gallbladder. 

 

Finally, stop worrying so much about what is going to happen tomorrow. Listen, to the man that played a part in your arrival here, your daddy. Remember he said, “Don’t waste today worrying about tomorrow.” He’s right you know. You just keep taking care of yourself, and I will take care of the rest. 

 

Sincerely,

 

Your Body

P.S. STOP SPENDING SO MUCH TIME OBSESSING ABOUT YOUR BELLY, IT WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL PREGNANT, AND YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD WHAT YOU HAVE NOW, LATER.