Making Patients Feel Uncomfortable 101 class

I am not a sickly person. 

Really, I'm not. 

But, because I'm scared shitless a little afraid of doctors, I tend to obsessively think about the doctor's office whenever I have an appointment within the next year month. 

I go through all the possibilities in my head of what they are going to say when I get there. How they will probably tell me that I need to lose weight and eat healthier. How they will probably tell me that I need to work on my posture and stop coloring my hair. How I need to completely cut out fatty foods since I do not have my gallbladder. How I should probably stop picking at my nails because it's really not attractive. Blah. Blah. blah.

And every time I go, the same thing happens. 

For example, today I woke up and the lymphnode in my neck that has been swollen for a couple weeks, suddenly hurt to the touch. 

Now, for someone who is scared shitless a little afraid of doctors, this can be a petrifying realization. But, I tried not to think about it. Until I talked to my mom when I wasn't feeling well, and she told me I should probably go to the doctor. 

So, to shorten the anxiety waiting period, I set up an appointment for this afternoon. And of course the thoughts started pouring like a leaking hoover dam into my brain. Obviously, not a slow and peaceful process. 

I went into the doctor, who like all doctors was some wierd stuttering male (I can't ever find any female doctors) who probably sat in the back row at his Making Patients Feel Uncomfortable 101 class. I mean seriously, his name could have been Dr. Clammy Hands and Stuttering Nonsense. Wierd. 

So this is how the conversation went:

Dr. Clammy Hands: OK Jessica what are you here for today?

(Really? Why does he think I'm in there? I don't know, I just felt like spending my afternoon in your cold stuffy office reading your "How to tell if your mole changes" posters. I mean come on.)

Me: I don't feel good, and I have a swollen lymphnode. I think it's infected. 

Dr. Clammy Hands: OK let me take a look.

I just sit there as he pokes and prods and feels around on my neck for a gabizillion minutes. 

Dr. Clammy Hands: Ok say ahhh...

Me: Ahhh....

Dr. Clammy Hands: Take a few deep breaths... (while he has his hand up the back of my shirt trying to figure out how the hell a tanktop with a built in bra works and wondering why the hell I'm wearing a bra too.)

Me: *Deep Breath* *Deep Breath*

Dr. Clammy Hands: Ok it looks like you have an infected lymphnode. 

Seriously?! Are you effing kidding me? Same thing every time. I walk in and tell them what is wrong, and they poke and prod, and tell me exactly what I told them when I walked in. Seriously?! I could have been a doctor. I mean minus making patients feel uncomfortable and stuttering and being a complete and utter waste of everyone's time and money. 

So, after a kidney infection, a gallbladder removal, and RSV, I now have a swollen lymphnode. I mean really I could just be a walking medical school case study.