Lemon cayenne pepper and maple syrup

OK so since I have been so sick lately I have been trying to come up with all the ways to make me healthy again. Of course, everyone has their own opinion and think they know what's best. And since I come from a family who is quite opinionated (ask Aunt katydidnot), it is quite easy to get caught up in the opinion drama hole. Everyone has their own remedy or suggestion. 

But first I will brag for a couple minutes about all the things that I'm doing to keep myself healthy: 

1. Flossing my teeth daily (Really I am! This time I may not have to lie to the dentist).

2. Working out (Well I'm really trying to, and that has to count for something).

3. Taking vitamins (I'm not a big believer in vitamins, in fact I think they are totally overrated and made for people who believe in voo doo shit but since I have a cross now hanging from my rear view mirror, I suppose I can try taking vitamins too). 

4. Eating healthy (I swear I still have like six boxes of girl scout cookies and I actually bought fruit at the grocery store).

5. Going to bed early (At least I was until daylight savings showed up and ruined my life). 

Well I guess that is it. But seriously, who can honestly say they do more than that on a daily basis?!

Don't lie. I know you were trying to convince yourself that you do more than that. 

So, after going through all the things I could do, my friend, Lacey, who works at a fancy holistic spa told me that I could do a cleanse. 

To anyone in the real world, that means something like not eating for a couple days and drinking a lot of water and only eating celery and seeing how much of that Wendy's hamburger you just ate can really come out of your body.

To someone who works at a holistic spa it means something completely different!

First, you have to understand, my family needs food. I'm not talking about how we really like it (even though we do), I'm talking about an animalistic need. Like if we don't get it you better lock us up and not come anywhere near us for six days. Some call it hypoglycemia, but we call it stay the f**k away if we don't have food in our system or feel the wrath. 

It's so bad that I remember my mom always had a granola bar in her purse and we called it the "emergency break glass" food. Because it was an emergency if one of us was hungry and there was no food. My little brother is so bad that when he is hungry, he doesn't even admit that he's hungry, refuses to eat, and turns into Damien's child. You think I'm kidding. 

So now that you understand how we are without food, let me just tell you this "cleanse" that Lacey suggested to me. She said that you couldn't eat for ten days (TEN DAYS!!!????) and you had to drink a quart of sea salt water (UM. Excuse me. What?) and every day you had to drink eight bottles of water mixed with lemon cayenne pepper and maple syrup (you want me to put what in my water?! I don't even like maple syrup on french toast!). 

I had to laugh at this suggestion. Actually it was more of a scoff. Are you fucking kidding me?! Lemon cayenne pepper in my water? I don't think so. I don't even put that shit on my chicken.

Then, I asked her how I was supposed to have any energy living on sea salt water and lemon cayenne pepper. Um. Gross. She calmly told me, like I was an idiot for not understanding, "Um. Jess. It's a cleanse. It's not supposed to give you energy."

Shortly thereafter I ate a box of girl scout cookies and gave up on all thoughts of healthy cleanses.